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Woke up 17:00ish. It didn't work beeing awake the whole night and day trying to fix my sleeping. I don't even like sleeping. The dreams are so real.. maybe because tonight i dreamt that i was going to shower and for some reason someone had to shower with me. I was just standing there like the cow i am trying to hide my body. I hate showers, it means you have to get undressed. I try not to look at myself. 

I fixed my grades today. To be honest i don't know if i want to go. I will be scared of seeing him on the street with his arms wrapped around her. It would probably kill me. I still want to meet him.. but not when he is with someone else. I will probably just cry the entire time wondering why i can't be the one to hold and kiss him. I really do miss him.. like i said a hundreds of times before. I never thought he would leave. Not after all the things we manage to go trought and we still sat there miles away from eachother each night saying goodnight, telling how much we loved eachother. All the fights, all the tears, all the pain of not beeing able to hold you. Everytime i went to bed, i went to bed with you. You was my only hope of ever having someone love me and you managed me to love you back.. and i ruined it.

I make myself disgusted in so many ways but letting you go is the worst one of them. Hit me hard with a shovel and make me forget.