omblic.blogg.se

I stumbled upon my ex:s current girlfriends facebook. After all this time they are still togheter. I thought it only was a rebound girl like with my now 2 other ex:s. There are no such thing as a rebound girl. Maybe for some people but.. if you've ever been togheter with me i can promise that when you brake up with me you will find the love of your life.

Sure.. maybe you're gonna be kind of sad because of me for a while.. but that's only because you feel sorry for me. Not because you miss the times we had, when we where happy. You will try to fight for me for a while. To keep my tattered soul kind of stitched togheter. To keep us togheter. But you will start to look for someone new, if you didn't do that already from the start. When we have ended you will be togheter with that next girl for at least 5 years. 

I think i fight too much for love.. or for what i have thought was love. I'm not sure it even exist. Not for people like me at least. I hold on to memories. I don't see reality. I can't see those half invisible threads that you see. The ones that seem to bind you togheter. Going from your hearts and meet eachother in what seems like eternal bliss. You're actually gone.. i can't realise that yet. All i can see and feel are the memories of us.

Maybe i paint my memories. I go back and alter them to make them even more beautiful than they actually were. I just find it really hard to let go of something that i loved so deeply. I don't want to believe that something actually could exist.

 

Been awake all night. Been trying to sleep since around 7 am.. it didn't work. There's too many thoughts in my head. I keep stressing myself out as per usual. It feels like it's going to be a bad day today.

Today i'm ugly. Today it hurts.

Logged on Aion. Asked if he and that other one still plays. Yes.. they do. Logged out. Hate myself. Hate you.

I can't believe how hard you broke me and yet still continues in my mind. Please stop appearing in my dreams because it's just too much for me to handle. 

Trying to get in contact with the people who get me money via e-mail. It's not working. 2/3 is on vacation this week and i don't have any money on my phone. Also i have no money and i'm almost out of food. At least my Sims 1 family is doing fine... FML.

Been alone with myself, i don't like it. There's too many thoughts and they are all different. I'm really scared at the moment. In a dreamstate where i don't know if i exist or not. I was at the store.. was going to buy something to eat. I had to turn around as my eyesight got blurry. I just went straight to the checkout, bought my nicotine and went home. I'm scared of what i might do to myself. My fingers are all bloody and it hurts. I tense my jaw all the time for some reason and it makes my head hurt, making me believe that there's something really wrong with me. That i wont wake up. 

I just want to wake up.