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Been awake all night. Been trying to sleep since around 7 am.. it didn't work. There's too many thoughts in my head. I keep stressing myself out as per usual. It feels like it's going to be a bad day today.

Today i'm ugly. Today it hurts.

Logged on Aion. Asked if he and that other one still plays. Yes.. they do. Logged out. Hate myself. Hate you.

I can't believe how hard you broke me and yet still continues in my mind. Please stop appearing in my dreams because it's just too much for me to handle. 

Trying to get in contact with the people who get me money via e-mail. It's not working. 2/3 is on vacation this week and i don't have any money on my phone. Also i have no money and i'm almost out of food. At least my Sims 1 family is doing fine... FML.

Been alone with myself, i don't like it. There's too many thoughts and they are all different. I'm really scared at the moment. In a dreamstate where i don't know if i exist or not. I was at the store.. was going to buy something to eat. I had to turn around as my eyesight got blurry. I just went straight to the checkout, bought my nicotine and went home. I'm scared of what i might do to myself. My fingers are all bloody and it hurts. I tense my jaw all the time for some reason and it makes my head hurt, making me believe that there's something really wrong with me. That i wont wake up. 

I just want to wake up.

 

The sun that parades trough my windows gives a false impression of summer. This summer, if only for just one moment i want to feel like there's no troubles in the world. I want to sit on the beach by my summerhouse and drink cold cider and beer with someone somewhat like-minded. I want to laugh and just live for the moment. Just for a little while. Is that too much to ask for?

Those moments when it hits you in the speed of light right in the chest. Those moments when it hurts and you can't swallow because the tears want to come out. I did this. It was all my fault. I wish i was unable to look back. Why do i get myself pulled in to the tears and agony. Hopefully i'll feel better in a while again.

Is this how my new life will start or will it as always just crumble right before my eyes? What if this is just a fictional disguise my head has made for me to keep me sort of.. i can't say happy.. but less miserable? It makes me scared to think about certain things like.. will i just walk in to another trap. A fast solution to a problem that will last. What if he never goes away? If he stays in me like acid that just corrodes inside of me until i die.

Am i really, really still this naive? Please my future me.. remember that the block of ice you're carrying around can melt as fast as the icicles hanging of the roof in front of you. Don't ever let anyone in ever again.

 

Been acting like a 14 year old girl all day. Since i went on teamspeak with a few golden monsters i've been acting like this. Squealing, giggling, just been completely mental and hyper. I did drink like 3 cups of coffee today. Maybe that has to do with the 14 year old me. I have no idea what's going on with me today.

I often wonder why i'm still this hurt about him leaving. I mean.. he did not even meet me before he decided to move on. I know i was not perfect at all and i know that if i went back in time i wouldn't have hurted him the way i did. But then again.. he would have probably left me anyways. I can not love someone. If i love, they will leave.

It's still painfull and it still hurts and i am so scared of falling again. I don't want to fall because each time i do no one is there to catch me. No matter how many promises on their loved ones they make, they always drop me. 

I wish i could think less. Every thought that runs trought me is filled with agony. My anxiety is getting a little bit better i think even though it's still there and today was not a good day. I feel sick and weak. 

 

Drifting away to places i've always loved. It's always summer and it's always with good people, never with deamon people. With you it was all days of the year, rain, snow, sunlight.. it never mattered. I guess i have to live with the sun only. How bad can it be? The darkness will always follow but.. meh.. maybe in time i will feel slightly better. Probably not but one can only stay naive and still hope in order to keep this life.






"There's nothing you can say to him
He is an outer heart
And the space has been broken

There's nothing you can say to her
I am without a heart
And the space has been broken"

Gorillaz - Broken

I'm done.